Saturday, November 15, 2008

Five Headlines

(1) Catholic Priest, Father Jay Scott Newman has distributed a letter to his parishioners urging them not to take communion until they have done penance for voting for Obama. Source. See, this was a tough call for me because, on the one hand, if I voted for Obama my eternal soul was in peril, whereas on the other hand, if I didn't vote for Obama, Tinkerbell would die. It was a tough call, but I think I made the right one. And Tink, you're welcome.

(2) Wallace Scarborough is protesting the results of his election loss. Source. Scarborough, who lost by a scant 211 votes, has challenged about 700 votes on the grounds that some of the people voted at the wrong precinct and did not cast fail-safe ballots, others voted in the district even though they no longer lived there, one polling place reported 27 more votes than the total number of signatures on the poll list, and because, c'mon, he's Wallace freakin' Scarborough, a REPUBLICAN, running for office in SOUTH CAROLINA, obviously there's something fishy about that.

(3) Gov. Sanford was named chairman of the Republican Governors Association. Source. That's right, Marky Mark is going to Washington, pigs in hand, to retool the Republican party. Meanwhile, while Sanford's veto pen is distracted by his new job of promoting a Republican return to it's bed-rock principles of limited government and low taxes, the General Assembly will be holding clandestine meetings to pass much-needed legislation while they have the chance.

(4) The South Financial Group, S.C.'s largest bank, is on the dole. Source. Even though they claim they're in good financial condition, a bank spokesperson stated that it was too hard to resist $347 million in free money. Word on the street is that they plan to add a little bling to the teller lines, ATMs will get a fresh coat of paint, and departing executive Mack Whittle will get a roll of diamond encrusted toilet paper, a bejeweled scepter, and a custom velvet portrait of himself standing atop the hopes and dreams of his customers, doing a mean fist pump, that plays a constant digital loop of Jay-Z's "Diamonds are Forever."

(5) Prison Fashion: Inmates in S.C.'s prisons who "commit overt sexual acts in common areas" will have to continue to wear pink jumpsuits. Source. Inmate Sherone Nealous lost a court fight to ban the use of the pink jumpsuits, sighting the fact that the pink really clashed with his eyes and that he would "rather have a nice paisley or argyle pattern." S.C. Prisons Director John Ozmint has reportedly been looking into the viability of adding some ruffles and lace to the jumpsuits and maybe switching the jumpsuit out entirely to bring in some more up-to-date fashions. "It all depends on what I see on the runways at Fashion Week," Ozmint said, "Who knows, maybe we'll introduce some patent leather, anyway you look at it, these inmates will be looking fierce."

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